Sunday, July 5, 2009

A Risk of Faith

Before I begin this blog, I'd like to say how much I appreciate my Father's wisdom and advice. I used to be so stubborn when he would talk to me, I felt like he was trying to run my life.  Now I understand that he was trying to help me in my decisions.  I know now that if I want solid advice, then I can turn to him.  This man, that I call Papi is amazing.  I love him so much and this blog is a thank you to him. Papi, eres mi heroe!  Me da orgullo decir que eres mi padre.  Gracias por todo.  Tu hija para siempre...Angie

I have always been a stubborn person. I have always liked to make my own decisions and create my own paths.  Like Robert Frost's poem, I like to take the road less travelled.  Almost a year ago, I let somebody into my life after I had made the decision to go to France.  You've all probably read a part of my blogs and know that I kind of regret the decision of going to France. Although, I think the real poor decision was bringing somebody into my life.  But that is a decision I have to live with now and I may regret the things that I did after I came back, but I am NOT sorry for my actions.  I recently read this scripture in church and realized that I was searching for mercy, I made a cry for help.

Psalm 130 

Help, God—the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help! 
   Listen hard! Open your ears! 
      Listen to my cries for mercy. 

 3-4 If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings, 
      who would stand a chance? 
   As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit, 
      and that's why you're worshiped. 

 5-6 I pray to God—my life a prayer— 
      and wait for what he'll say and do. 
   My life's on the line before God, my Lord, 
      waiting and watching till morning.

I looked for mercy in another falliable human being, and found shame and disdain.  I had been going to church to find a way out of my misery and one day my mind shifted, I had to cry out.  I still found reproach, but within me I found release, I found peace.  Because of my steadfast belief in my God, I was able to live with my irrational decision to ask a another human for mercy that couldn't be given.  Through my cry, I believe God gave me that mercy.  He gave me what no other human could have given me.  

Five months later I find myself at another crossroads.  I'm fully functional and rational this time and I was able to ask my father for advice.  I think through my cry, God was able to give me insight into the trust I could put into my Father.  I have never felt closer to my Papi, as I do now. 
My heart has been in two places and the weight of having to make a decision as to where I should place it fully has conflicted me. By not making a choice I stand the chance of not just hurting others, but in the process myself. I tell myself that I am okay with functioning like this, but much to my surprise, my Father knows me better than I thought he did.  He understands my love of people and my desire to hurt no one.  He knows I don't like conflict, and that I am the only one that can resolve it. He quite simply told me, you have to make a choice. The longer I wait, the more it tears my heart, the more it stresses my thoughts, the more it keeps me conflicted.  So, before I create drama for myself, I must make a choice.  Both paths have been well travelled, but not by me.  Everybody comes to this crossroads, do I stick with what I know to be safe, or do I take a risk?

My heart may take a beating if I take the road less travelled, but I know that my trust in my father and my trust in God will allow me to heal again.  It is a risk, but I have faith that I will come out unscathed on the other side. 

Our choices are not always black or white, the gray area is sometimes more prevalent. 

For me I think I will take the road less travelled.....

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;        5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,        10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.        15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I hope Robert Frost is right....